Incel status got you down? Wanna date one chick after another? Gratters, bro, on finding your way to sage advice from the Old Dater Dude.

Desperate for feminine companionship, you have watched Chad get all the girls and turn them into cast-away, ruined, alcoholic man-haters. For years you have applied yourself to your lucrative work and you have amassed a considerable fortune. Since you have no wife and no offspring, are you content to let your greedy, normie relatives fight it out over your phat estate when you die? If so, stop reading right now and go drink your sorrows away in some boozy dive like Pocula Crebra. But if you have some romantic spirit left in you and if you have read If by Rudyard Kipling, then take some advice from the Old Dater Dude.

You, dater-pup, have perhaps never gotten over your dateless college years when Chad was in his glory days, before his string of divorces and the aspects of his traumatic legal nightmares. Unlike Chad with his gold chains and his flashy sports car, you have perhaps made your own robots, wishing that they were capable of human-like emotions. Maybe you have long worked as an engineer and you have longed for feminine companionship. But the women in your age-range have been abused by the Chads and the Bret Cavanaughs of this world, so traumatically that they now hate all men, including you, the innocent incel (involuntary celibate). Where can you find sweet, love-affirming women who do not already hate you when they first meet you? Come to me, ye who hunger and thirst for meaningful relationships. Bring your fellow tempest-tossed ageing geeks and fly-by-shy nerds to me; I lift my Diogenes lamp beside the golden door of male-female relations the way God intended them, before Chad and Satan and Hollywood and Madison Avenue purt-near destroyed American society.

She becomes an heiress by the act of dating you. Remember Melvin Dummar, the guy who purportedly rescued the billionaire Howard Hughes from perishing in the desert and who presented for probate a document allegedly the valid will of Howard Hughes? Good! You must create a similar will and give to any woman who goes on a date with you your handwritten (holographic) Last Will and Testament (LWAT) naming your aforesaid date as your sole heiress and beneficiary. Since two witnesses are required for a will to be valid, take your date to a nice restaurant where the chef or the hostess and the tip-eager waitress will sign on the dotted line to make your handwritten LWAT valid and legal.

When word gets out that you sign over your entire estate to any momentary sweetheart who goes on a date with you, suddenly you become the most eligible of bachelors. Married men will envy your freedom to you-know-what. Actually, you don't know, but you will find out. And if the waitress signing your will as a witness is a comely lass showing promise in the insta-date firmament, give her your monkey-business card and invite her to the same legal ceremony at a different restaurant. Be careful to choose only restaurants where a lingering lunch is permitted, so that you and your heiress may get to know each other.

Only date maidens that you could genuinely fall in love with if you were younger, richer, taller, et cetera and if she were more foolish, more desperate and less discriminating. Watch out for certain types, though. Since you are probably involved in technical work, it is crucially important for you to avoid any female agent whose assignment is not only to seduce you but also to assassinate you.